None of this has anything to do with knitting today. I’m just completely, utterly, totally in a Bad Place, and I don’t know what to do about it, beyond writing and hoping maybe I’ll figure out a thing or two along the way.
I sing. I have done so competently and seriously for over twenty years, and have offered my alleged “gift” in various church choirs in that time. I should feel fulfilled and satisfied, as if I were doing something I was meant to do. I should feel as if I am spiritually connected and filled with praise. I should LOVE what I am doing.
Well, those “shoulds” are for an ideal world.
Not for the first time, I am wishing I had never, ever been given an ability to do music. It seems that for each rare moment of delight, I have spent at least thousand times that in gut-wrenching pain, feeling worthless, unloved, unappreciated, unsupported, overworked, and ostracized.
I spend at least a portion of every day in every week dreading going to rehearsal on Thursday nights. I don’t look forward to Sunday services at all. I want out, but instead will dutifully go through the motions and pretend nothing is wrong because I am TERRIFIED of where a confrontation will lead.
Things may be said that can never, ever be taken back or forgiven.
A friendship will most likely be lost. Possibly two friendships, actually. In one case, perhaps there never really was a friendship to begin with. Perhaps I made another stunning error in who to choose to trust and befriend. I have a bad track record in that, and I am afraid to have it confirmed again, lest I feel like even more of a loser/moron than I already do most of the time.
Would I be this much of an idiot if not for music? More than anything, what I need right now is to step back and not perform for awhile. I have reason to believe that my need will not be honored, much less met. There will be a price. What I have spent so many years doing may come to an end forever.
Am I ready to embrace “forever”? Can I really live without offering music? Am I really able to fold up my tent and go home? Because there will be no opportunity to backslide. The bridge will not be burnt. It will be nuked.
I am scared to death.